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Home > Tips

Tips on dealing with sibling rivalry

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08 September 2008

  • Don’t rush to stop an argument – let them sort out their disagreements themselves. Obviously if it gets out of hand, then you’ll need to intervene.
  • Treat them equally. Try not to take sides – this can make them think you have favourites, which will only add to the problem!
    Let them see you getting on with others. This will give them a good example of how people can sort out disagreements through talking calmly rather than fighting.
  • Praise them. Let them know you appreciate the effort they’re making when they’re getting along. Don’t just step in when they’re arguing, this will give them the idea that bad behaviour is a way of getting your attention.
  • Teach them how to cooperate. Taking turns in games teaches them about cooperation, as does reaching compromises over playing with a particular toy and then swapping over do their brother or sister gets a turn.
  • Remind them to talk through their problems. And if things do get too heated, make sure they know to ask an adult to help resolve the conflict.
  • Encourage them to think of others. Ask them how they think their brother or sister is feeling, and what they would want if they were in their position. This will help them to empathise with others.
  • Remain calm. Your tone of voice and actions will remind them that it’s not really such a big deal and will help them listen to you.


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Comments



1. On 13 March 2009 13:41, mackadee wrote:

this is all very well if there is'nt a large age gap i have nearly a 8 yr gap between my older 2 ( 14yrs & 12yrs) and my younger 2 (4yrs & 3yrs) my 12 yr old does'nt seem to get on with anybody in our house she constntly picks on every one ( including smacking the young ones)i have tried allsort,i've joined this site hopeing there's someone out there to help!!!

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2. On 24 April 2009 11:54, virgoyd wrote:

I am in totally agreement with macadee. I have a 16 and 15 year olds (from first marriage) who I just cannot get to view their 4 year old sibling as anything other than someone who gets in their way. My 15 year old daughter has now gone to live with her Dad (2 days ago) I cannot take anymore and have felt split in two for the past 3 years. I'm at a total loss and heartbroken that it has come to this. Like mackadee if there is anyone else out there who knows the answers let me know.

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3. On 14 July 2009 16:49, nix35 wrote:

I have 2 sons - One is 16 (from a previous relationship) and the other is 10. There is a constant battle between them and the eldest is quite aggresive towards the younger one to such an extent that I actually become quite scared and nervous if they are together without supervision. I am at my wits end and could do with any advice available.

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4. On 26 July 2009 08:46, Dottie wrote:

I have 2 daughters a 13yr old & a 12 year old, they fight like cat & dog constantly bickering & then they expect me to stick up for them against the other one & when i wont they take their argument out on me as if it's all my fault. When i question anything about the argument i am accused of choosing the other child as my favourite, or they both stand their & both say they didn't do it whatever it is that is being said. They really cannot get along together & i find it so sad.

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5. On 28 July 2009 00:26, BettyBoop02 wrote:

I have read the tips and to be honest I do all that already but the bit at the end about staying calm - you can only stay calm for so long - it keeps chipping away at you then you have to shout - afterwards I feel annoyed at myself for losing my temper - we've been married 16 years - still happy and have girl 13 and boy 9 - older girl picking on younger son - its really hard - I understand Dottie about taking sides or trying not to - you feel like you get dragged in the middle of it - its so hard - you are left fizzing inside then they go off in diff directions and 10 mins later one plays out and the other is laughing on phone wit mates - while I'm standing preparing tea wanting to scream inside - the joys of parenting ... not

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6. On 28 July 2009 22:13, Everhopeful wrote:

(Edited by Everhopeful on 28 July 2009, 22:16)

I'm new just registered this evening out of desperation. I have a son 7 and a daughter 13. She was 5 and a half when he was born and said from that day 'I told you, I wanted a sister, I don't want him'. Years later nothing has changed. She hardly shows any like much less love for him and it breaks my heart to see him crave her attention. I'm a constant referee, negotiator, safe place, usually for him. I've tried quality time with each child separatly and together as a family. Talking, listening, discussing being a good role model with my relationship with my sister 6 years my junior but nothing works for longer that a few days. What can I do? That's half the problem she is now breaking her curfew, being grounded and this is now such a cycle that tonight her curfew was 7pm and she arrived home at 9.45pm!! She has just turned 13. I love being a parent but lately she is testing the patience of a saint. Any advice or strategies will be gratefully received.

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7. On 07 October 2009 21:08, tessa29 wrote:

I agree that this advise is great, if you have same age kids. I have a 13 year old boy who has been a night mare for 6 years.who constantly fights, picks on and hurt his 6 year old brother and has openly admitted to hating his brother. with broke my heart to hear. He's rude, ignores everyone, suddenly gets really aggressive. and all he wants is my money. Although he's not to bad with my 4 year old daughter, but even then he uses her to push my 6 year old out. Im lost now! nothing works!!! sad mum. xx

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8. On 01 June 2010 00:53, mummadness wrote:

I am so grateful to have come across this, I have a 12 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter. and they are breaking my heart with their fighting and arguing. the way they talk to me makes me feel ashamed that I am such a failure. They delibrately provoke each other, and they start off playing, and it esculates into really agressive fighting. They both blame each other. I spend most of my nights crying because I don't know what to do. I have a husband who doesn't know how to cope, so he just leaves it to me to deal with until it gets so bad he loses his rag and then all hell is let loose. What can I do???

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