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"Until now I have felt like running away, I feel better for talking to Parentline Plus."
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Why won’t teens talk?
i-parent mini module: Talking to your teenager (Opens in new window)
Do you know how to keep channels of communication open with your teen?
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 When they’re little, most children won’t stop chatting to their parents about every thought that pops into their head. So it comes as a bit of a shock when they reach their teens – and turn silent.
You want to know what your child is thinking, feeling, or what they’ve been doing at school – while they often act as though you’re invisible.
Diane Hoggarth has this problem with her 17-year-old daughter. A typical conversation between them will go:
Diane: ‘Hello, how are you?’
Daughter: Silence.
Diane: ‘Did you have a good day, what have you been up to?’
Daughter: ‘Are you still talking? I can still hear your voice!’
This is a conversation that most parents are probably familiar with. Even though you haven’t said or done anything out of the ordinary, your children treat you like the enemy, even though you are just trying to be their friend.
According to life coach Ruth Paris, it’s normal for teens to withdraw themselves from their parents in order to create their own identities. "In order to establish themselves as individuals in their own right, they need to create a boundary between themselves and the rest of the family," she says.
"It's sometimes difficult for parents to accept that their teen is growing up and apparently growing away from them - it can be a worry but it’s normal.”
Sue Atkins, founder of www.positive-parents.com, says: “Children take their lead from their parents in all things so if children sense you will be judgemental or uncomfortable they hold back sometimes.”
However, on occasion it could be something more serious. According to Ruth Paris: “If a previously talkative teen suddenly becomes withdrawn or refuses to talk then there may be something else going on that is of real concern, such as peer pressure, bullying or anxiety about school.”
What can parent's do?
The way you ask children certain questions is the key to getting them to talk to you. Teens are more likely to respond to open questions. Ruth Paris says: "Ask questions like 'How are you doing?' rather than closed questions that can feel like interrogation - like 'What did you do at school today?' and 'Why were you late home?'"
It can be easier talking when you aren’t looking at each other - when you're in the car or walking together. Not facing each other can make it much easier for teens to open up.
Teenagers may not want to talk at the same time as you, and it can make all the difference if you wait for them to come to you when they are ready. Sue Atkins says: “It’s about doing things together that are natural – playing a game together, sitting down to eat together regularly or walking the dogs. It’s in those natural and relaxed moments that kids open up, not when they get in to the car straight after school and you pounce on them to talk.”
The important thing to remember is that when teenagers do try to talk to you, you are ready to listen. Sue Atkins says: “Teenage children often want to talk when it suits them – not necessarily when it suits you – so a wise parent stops watching their favourite soap, puts down their great book that have gone to bed especially early to read and stops what they are doing to chat, listen and allow their children to feel heard. Because when children feel heard they feel understood and loved.”
Developing an open and trustful relationship with your teenager isn’t easy and demands time and patience. Ruth Paris says: “My personal advice to parents is: always say yes unless you absolutely have to say no. This means you will have to tolerate things that annoy you, but because it doesn’t happen often, your teen will respect that when you say no, you really mean it.”
Listen to Sonia, parent of a 13 year old daughter talk about her concerns regarding communicating with her teen. Parentline Plus Area Manager, Valerie Outram offers her support to Sonia and other parents who find themself in the same situation. (MP3)
Tips checklist: Talking more
- Ask open questions like: ‘How are you doing?’
- Don’t nag your child or make a big issue about the lack of communication
- Try not to say ‘you never talk to me’ or ‘we must talk more’
- Talk to your teen when you are in the car together or walking somewhere
- When your child is ready to talk, be prepared to listen
- Do things with your child, such as eating together or walking the dog
- Give your child time to open up
- Ensure you are in a relaxed environment, not when your child is stressed or tired
- Try not to interrogate your child
How does your teen talk to you? Whether they communicate in full sentences, grunts, or in complete silence, watch the video below to find out what might be going on for them and for advice on how you can make it easier for them to talk to you.
Don’t forget Parentline is available free 24 hours a day for support if you’re finding talking to your teen difficult – or email us for a personalised reply at parentsupport@parentlineplus.org.uk. And take a look at our online comics and interactive e-learning modules, designed to make talking together that bit easier.
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