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Runaway teenagers

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Young people run away for a range of reasons – it may be that you have been arguing for some time, or it may be to do with problems that your teenager feels unable to talk to you about like bullying, sex and relationships, drugs, or a combination of problems.

In the midst of an argument your teenager may threaten to run away, or you may in fact tell them to go - you’ve had enough. But in the majority of cases, when the teenager has actually run away both adult and teen wish they could turn the clock back and prevent it from happening.

Making sure the threat doesn’t become reality

When there have been problems building up for sometime it is often difficult to step back. But sometimes you may need to take time out and think about what your teenager is telling you. Give them the space to tell you what is going on from their perspective.

You do not have to agree with everything they say but listening is important. If your teenager can see that you’ve taken on board their concerns, they are more likely to listen to you in turn.

Finding them

If they do leave start looking in the most likely places – their friend’s houses and your relatives. As you contact their friends ask them to let your teenager know, should they see them, that:

You want them back
You’re not angry
You’d be relieved to have them home and safe.

Let them know there are ways they can keep in touch with services like Message Home. Also, helplines such as Missing People and ChildLine will provide further support and information. If you cannot find your teenager through these contacts, try social services and local hostels. Many travel to another area so think about where they would be most likely to go.

Returning home

If your teenager has run away and decides to return don’t expect all the problems to have disappeared. Discuss what returning home might be like before they come back so that neither of you have any false expectations.

Encourage them to talk to you about any problems they are facing and be prepared to listen. Be aware that some things that might have happened to them since they have been away may be difficult to talk about. Some local organisations offer mediation services which might be able to help and be prepared to make some concessions and meet your teenager halfway.

At first your teenager may get in touch but be unsure about returning home, you may have your own concerns about them coming back to your home as well. You may feel you need some time to sort things out in your mind. In this case it may help if a close friend or relative could allow your teenager to stay. You will then be reassured they are safe and you can start to talk things through at an agreed meeting point – somewhere that feels comfortable for both of you.

Give each other space
Be prepared to compromise
Recognise it is going to take time to sort things through.
Get help with talking things through.

Watch the video below to find out some of the reasons teens run away from home, the signs to look out for and what you can do if your worried your teen might run away.

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On 06 October 2008 06:07, meggie wrote:

My daughter is 16yrs old she runaway 9 days ago, although her friends more or less tell me where she is staying, she has made no contact with us, her influence is her boyfriend and she's goth/emo. She blames all her problem on me, saying I always pick on her, yet she has everything she has every wanted and more.... I cannot talk to her, cause anything and everything I say is picking an argument. I don't stop her seeing her boyfriend, but she knows both her father and I don't like him. I want her home but she will come only on her terms. Police and Social Services have not been involved as she will be 17 in four weeks.

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On 22 April 2009 14:18, goinggaga wrote:

Hi, my daughter is 17 and ran away in August 08. She is now living with her boyfriends family, whose brother is in prison for manslaughter( and she wonders why I am worried!) The parents refuse to send her home. She has given up all her ambitions, school, uni, music, family etc and now working 60 hours a week to pay the £500 rent the parents are charging her. I, like meggie, am blamed for everything ( ruined her life, forced her out, make her feel suicidal etc.) and it is so frustrating watching her be influenced and controlled by others and being completely helpless. I have tried alsorts. The general concensus of opinion is that I should wait it out. I think some of the problem for us parents is that we are trying to deal with all our own feelings as well- rejection, hurt, feeling like we've sacrificed 17 years for nothing, lack of sleep, worrying, fear etc. I struggle everyday trying to keep all of this in perspective. My daughter is being used and she cannot see it and there is nothing I can do to rescue/ protect her. Reading through some of the comments on this site it seems that it is 17 year old girls that are the most susceptible to running.

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On 12 July 2009 18:11, NatalieK wrote:

I have just had my 17 year old son stay out since Wednesday after an ultimatum to come home or stay out for good. He chose his friends & weed. I am worried sick although I know he is ok. When he comes back which I know he will eventually bvecause he has no money clothes etc where do we gor form there?

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On 12 May 2010 22:03, iamparent wrote:

(Edited by iamparent on 12 May 2010, 22:04)

Hi Natalie,just wrote your message about your son. I have the same problem. My 17 yoar old son left on Saturday to leave in a squad. He answers my phone calls, but doesn't want to come back home, not on my conditions anyway. His ultimatum was as follow:"you put up with my life style or i leave". I couldn't put up with it for his own good! Any chance you or anyone else share your experience with me? I am devastated and don't feel he is safe out there

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On 30 June 2010 07:38, mjmcmorrine wrote:

Dear meggie and going gaga. I am a Dad of a 17 yr old daughter (just turned 17) who met a boy 4 yrs older than her. The same has happened. She now lives 40 miles away in a small house shared with two other teenagers and his parents - his parents have not contacted us - nor has my daughter who blames me for everything. Good luck to her, it will make her grow up. Look after yourself. This is very painful to go through but as my Doctor said (because it made me very ill) you will be no good to her when she really needs you. Box off the pain and get on with your life. My daughter has left a beautiful baby sister and 4 brothers and her horse to me (she was doted on). In the months since she has left to live with her older boyfriend I have blamed myself (I am totally innocent) and considered suicide (went right to the edge), but then had a road to damascus moment, learned to ride the horse and am going to compete on him. If my daughter wants to return she knows the door is open. But if not, good luck to her - she will find out what life is really about. Don't beat yourself up.

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