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"Until now I have felt like running away, I feel better for talking to Parentline Plus."
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Understanding self-harm
Article by Fiona Duffy
 Self-harm or self-injury among young people is on the increase. Experts originally estimated it affected one in 15 young people. Even at those levels, the UK had among the highest rates in Europe. But a more recent survey suggests that 22 per cent of British young people aged 11 to 19 (and 33 per cent of girls in that age bracket) have tried to harm themselves. While, thankfully, there is help for those who self-harm, experts agree that more support for parents and carers is needed.
Many families contact Parentline Plus in distress at either suspecting, or discovering, that a child is self-harming. With the right help and support not only will you and your child come through this – but you will be closer as a result.
Parents worried about self-harm ask us:
'I don't understand. Why would my child do such a terrible thing?'
“Have you ever felt so angry, so frustrated, that you want to slam your hand on a desk or kick something across the room?” asks Caroline Roe of Harmless, a self-help group that focuses on recovery. “That’s what self-harming is like - a surge of frustration that snaps into an action.
“When people understand this, they can relate easier to self harm.” Contrary to popular belief, self-harming is not a mental illness – rather, it’s a means of coping with difficult emotions and feelings.
“Self-harm is always a coping strategy,” says Caroline. “A person who is self-harming is trying to influence what is going on inside. If they don’t have a language for what’s going on, they don’t know how to tolerate what they are feeling.
“Part of the recovery is learning to express themselves, ask for help and communicate what they are feeling. By doing that they gradually reduce the need to self harm.”
“Discovering your child is self-harming is shocking for a parent,” agrees Wedge, founder of First Signs a voluntary organisation run by people with experience of self injury. Parents may also feel confused, angry, betrayed and even repulsed.
Hard as it might be, parents need to put their own feelings to one side and concentrate on the reasons behind their child’s self-harm rather than the self-harm itself.
“It is normal to have real fears for your child. But the key is to open up communication and build trust so your child can talk to you about these underlying issues.”
I think my child might be self-harming. How do I bring up the subject?
“First work on improving your relationship,” says Wedge. “Take time out once a week to sit down together and generally chat about what’s good and bad in their life. You can start with: ‘What did you learn at school today? Who did you play with?’ If your child gives one-word answers, try a different environment. Go out somewhere together for a chat. You don’t have to raise self-injury in the first conversation but you could raise it in the 14th. The child might say something to which you can gently ask ‘...is that why you’ve been hurting yourself?’ You can ask rather than accuse."
 'I've begged them to stop and hidden anything sharp. But they're still hurting themselves.’
“Your child cannot stop self-harming just because you want them to,” says Wedge. “Self injury isn’t something you can stop because of will power or because you have made a decision. Nor is it a cry for help or attention- seeking.
“Your child is having trouble dealing with emotions and, for now, this is the only way they can deal with them.”
In fact, trying to physically restrain your child or prevent them from harming is the worst thing you can do, says Caroline Roe: “If a young person feels they are being prevented from doing what they need to do, it can drive the behaviour underground so they are less likely to seek help - or they are likely to feel more out of control. And when they feel out of control they are more likely to harm themselves in a worse way.
“But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with anything and you certainly don’t have to accept or approve their self-harming. But what you can say is this: ‘OK, we accept that this is where you are now. Let’s see how we can help you move forward’. There can be clear boundaries put in place – where the child agrees to keep talking to the parent and seek help.”
‘I’m terrified that my child will really hurt - or even kill themselves - by self harming.’
This is the most common fear expressed by parents who contact Parentline Plus. But experts and parents who have been through it say most self-harmers know exactly what they are doing and how far they need to go to find release/relief from their problems. However, the very nature of self-harming means that there is a risk that the child may go too far – and accidentally cause more harm than intended.
While the majority of scratches and bruises can be dealt with in a first- aid type manner any serious injuries or anything to do with heat or medicines should get prompt medical attention and a discussion with the young person about the physical nature of the self injury.
 ‘Is my child suicidal?’
This is another huge worry for parents. But experts stress there is a distinct difference between self harming and suicide. “People who self-harm hurt themselves as a way of coping with life - not ending it,” says Caroline Roe.
Self-harm is the symptom, not the cause. There is always something else wrong.
‘What should I do if my child comes to me with an injury?’
- Stay calm and don’t over-react. Jane, a parent who has cared for a child who self-harmed, says: “Your child isn’t trying to kill themselves but they’re scared, so don’t add to it.” Sit them down and treat the wound, or seek medical attention. You don’t even have to comment on the fact that it’s happened. Don’t try to extract information or put pressure on them to talk to you. When they are ready they will come to you and talk.”
- Seek medical help if necessary.
- Reassure you child. “Tell them you love them unconditionally, you're there to support them and you will get through this,” says Wedge. “You can say: 'I don’t know what to do or say but I'm worried about you - we need to seek help.'
‘I feel so helpless. What can I do?’
“Parents can make a massive difference very quickly,” says Caroline Roe.
“I can work with a parent for just one hour and change their perspective radically. We try and say: ‘Let's take the focus off self-harm.' The problem isn’t the self-harm. The problem is that someone is distressed enough to do that in the first place.
“We encourage parents to not take the self-harming personally, not respond with anger and frustration but to enquire how the young person is feeling."
Wedge says: “Keep talking. Instead of asking: ‘Have you hurt yourself today?’ ask: ‘How are you feeling?’ Take the self-harm out of the equation.”
Parents have to accept that their child might not want to talk to them about it and may never give an explanation.
“All you can do is assure them your love is unconditional,” says Wedge. “If they can’t talk to you, help them find someone they can talk to.”
However, if your child does confide, don't dismiss or trivialise their worries.
“It’s important that however bad parents think things are, they are hopeful of change,” says Caroline. “Believe and keep believing in your child’s capacity to overcome it. Then they’ll feel that too. That sounds clichéd but it makes a big difference. The biggest thing that people who self harm say they want to hear is ‘it’ll be ok.'"
Watch the video below to find out why some teens self harm, what you can do if your teen is self harming and the signs to look out for
Read more
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